The Jenna Feast

It's been a while since I've posted. There have been some family things that have scattered my thoughts a bit (I will be writing about them in my next post) and on a more positive note, I finally have a job! It's childcare - which is totally easy for me - and pays well, which is exactly what I need right now. Unfortunately, the job takes a lot out of me and writing each blog post can be a bit of an endeavor for me. It's made me realize that I really need to just take a day every week, get up early, and just type. So that's what I'm doing!

This post has been one of my favorites! Thank you so much to everyone who participated. It made such wonderful use of our Facebook Page! Click the link and like us if you haven't already so you can stay in touch!

SO... Everyone who knew Jenna knew that she LOVED food. I'm quite sure this attribute was genetic. The only person who loves food more than Jenna is my dad.  They would both get visibly excited and/or cranky when it came to meal time.  Food was serious business.

So I've arranged a list of all the foods she loved and some great stories about her eating habits.  As you can see, I've scattered quotes throughout this list.  If you have something to add about a specific food, go ahead and message me and I'll put it in right away!

My plan is to eventually use this list to plan a REAL feast and document the experience. Maybe even take some of the things she loved and find recipes that give them a bit of a twist.  I encourage you all to do the same.  She had excellent taste.

So here's the most important element in your Jenna Feast... The list:

The Foods Jenna Loved

Eating Out

• SUBWAY - Turkey on wheat with lettuce, mayo, American cheese, and jalapenos ("Specifically requesting you make sure they put more than like 5 on it if you were picking it up for her" - Lauren Krauth)

"She ate foot-long subs (breakfast/lunch) for a week straight this year because she didn't want to go grocery shopping."
- Heidi Anderson

• CHILI'S - Molten Chocolate Cake 
• DAIRY QUEEN – Blizzards, Ice Cream Cake 
• TACO BELL – Cheesy gordita crunch, cheese roll-up, soft shell taco, add sour cream 

"First week of college, Jenna and I went to taco bell. After we ordered Jenna told me to get out of the car and hide behind the corner. She said 'when the lady hands my food out, run by and steal the food and keep running' I was like, Jen wtf?? And she said 'no trust me, we'll get a whole nother order for free and I'll pick you up down the street' Sure enough... It worked." - Paige Mosier

"T-Bell at all hours of the day" 

- Mark Wickstrom

• BURGER KING – Chicken fries 

• SUSHI MURAMOTO – Asparagus rolls and edamame - Always a go-to choice with the family or with Samantha Bakke and Laura Phelan
• NOODLES AND CO. – Pad Thai no sprouts or carrot), Pot Stickers 
• MCDONALD'S - McChicken with cheese, Hash Browns, Egg McMuffin 

We once decided to take a detour one morning and make ourselves late for school because Jenna had a SERIOUS craving for hash browns and I had a homework assignment I didn't want to turn in anyway.  We forged a note and made it to second mod.  And by forged I mean we got lucky and found out that our first mod classes were cancelled anyway so no harm done!  Because we can't break rules even when we try! 0:D

• IMPERIAL GARDEN/ASIA EXPRESS – Chicken Fried Rice 

• BUFFALO WILD WINGS – 6 Asian Zing, 6 Mango Habanero with 3 Ranch Cups 
• CHEDD'S – Grilled cheese with cheddar cheese, pepperoni, and ranch
• ERBS AND GERBS

"She would stuff it in her face and it would end up all her over!!" - Carrie Dercks

(Side Note: For those of you who do not get the joke in this picture, CLICK HERE)

• SMOTHERELLA STICKS – Pasta with Garlic Butter and lots of Parmesan
• MILIO'S
• WENDY'S - Chocolate Frosties

"I was in the car though when Dirk, Jenna, and I first started hanging out and after a movie one night we went to Wendy's by West Town and all got chocolate frosties. I was sitting shot gun and Dirk was in the back. Jenna made us promise that we weren't going to spill in her car because it was her classic jeep and she had just cleaned it out. Naturally, Dirk spilled his frosty all over the middle console and it leaked down under the seats...sticky!" - Jack Cullen

• COLD STONE
• GLASS NICKEL PIZZA

"In middle school we'd be starving and Jenna always wanted to order glass nickel pizza but we didn't have money, so we'd spend an hour scouring the house and coat pockets and couches scrapping up change to order a pizza. We always succeeded." - Kayla (Eichorst) Shrago

"The funniest part of us ordering glass nickel at every sleepover at your pebble beach house was that she would make me go around the house with her and look for miscellaneous money - including in coat pockets in every coat in your house, the laundry dryer, etc." - Sarah Keller


Breakfast

• OMELETS – Cheese, Ham, Green Peppers, Onions (A post-ROTC PT favorite)
• FRUITY/COCOA PEBBLES 
• WAFFLE CRISP 

At one point in time, when Jenna was younger, she lived off of cereal. Perhaps that's why she missed her growth spurt. Who knows. But she went through a Pebbles phase and a Waffle Crisp phase. That is all I remember her eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

• REESE'S PUFFS 
• POPTARTS 

Lunch/Dinner: 

• EASY MAC - This was a STAPLE of Jenna's dieat.

• STOUFFER'S MAC AND CHEESE
• SPAGHETTI-O'S AND GRILLED CHEESE - Courtesy of my Dad:)
• FROZEN MEALS

"I always got a kick out of her telling us she was going grocery shopping and would come home with 2 bags of frozen food from the gas station." - Lauren Batcher

• CALAMARI 
• QUESADILLAS
• GRANDMA'S MASHED POTATOES AND CORN

Grandma had a special recipe for her corn that she only brought out on holidays.  Jenna would always try to smuggle some home with her.

• FROZEN PIZZA WITH RANCH DRESSING
• CAESAR SALAD
• PASTA – Spaghetti and Fettuccine Alfredo 

Fettuccine Alfredo was always Jenna's go-to dish if she wasn't sure what she liked in a restaurant.  When she was relatively young and we went on our Disney Cruise, she would special order it from the kitchen almost every night because she never wanted any of the evening's specials.

"Of course I fixed spaghetti whenever Jenna wanted a special meal. I never followed a recipe but basically it was a jar of spaghetti sauce, can of tomato sauce, small can of tomato paste, hamburger, throw in some oregano, chili powder, sugar, bay leaf, basil, garlic. She had to have Kraft powdered parmesan, not the grated that I liked. Served with cheese bread and a glass of milk." - Mom

Dessert

• COOKIE DOUGH 
• OREOS WITH PEANUT BUTTER
• BROWNIES 
• MAMBAS 
• SNICKER DOODLES
• FUNNEL CAKE
• GODIVA
• DRUMSTICKS 
• RIESEN CHOCOLATES
• COOKIE ICE CREAM SANDWICHES
• PHISH FOOD AND MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM

When we were little, Jenna and I used to melt our mint chocolate chip ice cream then stir it into soup.  We would then pretend it was "our medicine" that we had to take before bed.  At first we would pretend that we didn't want it and then we'd take it with a look on our face suggesting that we were prepared for something gross.  When we "realized" our medicine tasted like ice cream however, we would look at each other with wide eyes, lift up our hair on either side like we had pigtails that were flying up or something, and squeak "MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmm!!!"

Snacks

Posted to Jenna's wall by Brynn Caslavka

• FRITO CHIP DIP
• QUESO DIP
• SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP
• ORIGINAL RUFFLES
• BAGELS WITH CREAM CHEESE
• VELVEETA
• SLICES OF GREEN PEPPERS DIPPED IN RANCH
• NACHO DORITOS
• GRANDMA'S MINI SANDWICH CREMES  - These and the nachos were her library food of choice.

Drinks


"Whenever I'd come to Wisconsin, Jenna would begrudgingly take me to Starbucks to get a chai. She loved Victor Allen's and would insist that their chais were way better. She'd always take me though" - Amanda Sorensen

• CHAI 
• BLUE GATORADE
• VODKA CRANBERRY- The only hard alcoholic drink her acid reflux could handle...
• MILLER LITE - Keeping it classy
• HOT CHOCOLATE
• WATER

(Clearly Inferior)

"She drank A TON of water each day. Always out of her pink water bottle. And her pink water bottle had a blue mouth piece while a lot of the other pink water bottles like her had a clearish/grayish one. So, whenever she saw someone with that same pink water bottle as her, she would laugh and say, 'My water bottle is cooler than that one because mine has a blue mouth piece' lol."
- Dirk Van Rybroek








Miscellaneous

PLEASE add to these stories!  They are fantastic:)

"I was riding back to EC from Madison with Jenna and when we stopped for food she asked me where I wanted to go. I said I didn't care, whatever would he easiest for her to eat while driving and she informed me with such pride that she is a pro at eating literally any food while driving and it seriously didnt matter where we went. That girls talents are limitless." - Lauren Krauth

"When we were on spring break, we ate at Spinnakers (a bar/restaurant/club) one night and she was the only one who was still pretty trashed from the festivities earlier that day. She ordered a pulled pork sandwich. The waiter finally came with all of our food and set it down infront of everyone. Once he walked away, we looked around the table to make sure everyone was good to go, and I was sitting next to Jenna. As I looked to her, I realized she had already eaten the entire sandwich before any of us had even taken more than two bites. I caught her licking all of her fingers as they were covered in bbq sauce and the best part was that she sat for a few minutes seriously considering ordering another sandwich but the waiter didn't come back soon enough." - Melanie Laursen

"She loved Luden's cough drops (at least when she was little) cause they tasted like candy. She told me she would always ask your mom for some and then she would run away to her room and eat them right away then run back to your mom and say, "Mom can I have some more?" until the box was gone Then your mom would say they're all out.  I would always ask her, "What did you say to that?" and Jenna would respond in this whiny/baby voice "Moooooooom." For some reason I loved when she did that when she told me that story. I asked her to tell it all the time." - Dirk Van Rybroek

"There was that awful, horrendous looking fruitcake that Perry brought to Christmas one year... but we both ate some anyway. It was terrible." - Emily Bisbach

"One night after we were out Jenna and I got Buzzy's (a pizza place on water street) and took it to go but I couldn't really finish mine so I just threw the half-eaten slice away. The next morning after seeing it in the trash she yelled at me for throwing it away because she would have eaten it, then decided that it wasn't too contaminated and pulled it out of the trash can and ate it anyway." - Lauren Krauth  

(This is probably one of my favorite stories... Especially since I could imagine doing the same thing...)

"I mean the girl ate everything haha..." - Samantha Bakke

So there you have it.  The foods Jenna loved the most.  So now what do you do with it?  Like I said, my roommates and I plan to make our own feast.  We will be posting our experience in the near future.  I also  have a great idea that involves all of YOU! If anyone else out there decides to do a Jenna feast and sends me pictures of the experience (e-mail me at alroark16@gmail.com or post to the Facebook page), I will send you a prize.  I don't know what it will be yet, but I'll make sure it's moderately awesome and Jenna related.

It's so weird.  You know people so well but when it comes down to it, it's remarkable how much you missed out on.  Their statistics and everything.  I'm so grateful to all of the friends that helped me put this together.  That we have a community to piece together the things that made Jenna so special is really precious.  It means so much to me.  

Thank you again to everyone who participated.  I hope this made you smile.

Happy Birthday Dirk

Today I want to talk about probably one of the most significant people in Jenna's life: Dirk Van Rybroek.  It's his birthday today.

I need to say something before I go into anything else: I know Jenna and Dirk's relationship was... drama-filled.  To say the least.  As her sister, I was privy to pretty much everything that went down.  They were on and off since their senior year of high school and most of their issues were completely unsurprising in a relationship that started so young.  Stupid stupid things were said and done.  Through it all though, the love they had was something that never really leaves the system.  Although they were off again right before we lost her, they still talked constantly.  A part of me has a feeling that if they had been given some REAL time apart to have a chance to grow and gain perspective, they would have found their way back to each other.  But I know that even if they never ended up together, they would always be a part of each other's lives.  They wouldn't be able to help it.

So despite all the drama and whatever opinions I had as a sister before this whole thing happened, it doesn't matter anymore.  To me, he will always be the love of my sister's life.  So I love him too.

It's hard for me to describe Dirk and Jenna's relationship here because I only saw the tiniest fraction.  When they were at their best, they were attached at the hip and had the kind of intimacy that only the most annoying best friends have.  Inside jokes and constant silent communication.  I'm hoping that eventually Dirk will write a piece for the blog himself.  He's already been such a wonderful help to me writing this (with his weird photographic memory) and simply recovering from the tragedy itself.

Dirk and I always got along pretty well.  I seemed to be the only one in Jenna's family who didn't terrify him.  He had this bizarre fear of my parents (which is silly since they are some of the least intimidating people I know) and he seemed unable to speak above a mumble around them for the longest time.  Though after a while, I'm quite sure he just did it to bug my sister.  That seemed to be the purpose behind a majority of his behaviors.  NOBODY trolled Jenna like Dirk did (though my dad was a close second).

Looking back, I think he and I had a connection and a comfort level when Jenna was alive for the same reason we've been drawn to each other now that she's gone: Even though our relationships with Jenna were completely different than each other's, nobody else had the same kind of relationship with her as we did.  And because of that, even though Dirk and I have lost completely different things, nobody else has lost the same thing that we have.  Does that make sense?  We both knew and loved Jenna in a way that was completely unique.  Maybe that's the reason why we feel like talking to each other is the closest we ever get to someone who really understands.

But the more I think about it, although this crucial understanding we share allows us to talk about our struggles and our pain, I think the thing that keeps drawing us back to each other is the conversations about Jenna when she was still with us.  A lot of conversations I have with other people are about the fact that she's not here anymore or what I'm going through right now.  And as I said, Dirk and I talk about that a lot too, but most of the time, we just reminisce.  We tell each other things we haven't heard, retell stories we already know (from different perspectives), reenact her facial expressions, and it feels really good.  Dirk and I started doing this early and often.  And now that I've realized it, I'm urging anyone reading this - whether you've lost someone close to you or are wondering how to comfort someone who has lost - to make this the habit.  Yeah, it's good to talk about the process and what you/someone else is going through, but get comfortable sharing positive stories from when you WERE fortunate enough to have them.  You'd be surprised how easy it is to forget to do that, especially during these depression phases.  You be surprised how, even when you don't forget, how hesitant some people feel to do so.  This idea might seem like you're reminding yourself what of you've lost.  It might seem like it would make it worse in theory, but I promise you, it doesn't.  In fact, I think I'm right in saying that often when Dirk and I are feeling our worst, remembering a specific story that makes us smile is the only thing that can pull us out of it.

For example.

Am I right, Dirk?  Alright so it's your birthday...

A Birthday Letter to Dirk

Dear Dirka,

I would like to tell you that I am glad. I'm glad that you've found that you can really talk to me. It's incredibly gratifying that I've been able to offer you some comfort. You meant so much to Jenna and the idea that I can help you through this feels like one of the biggest services I could do her. Letting me be there for you has helped me so much too. Also, thank you for being brave enough to tell me about how you found Jenna. I'm so glad you found the strength to share. It couldn't have been easy, but it gave me the last pieces I needed to figure out what actually happened. That peace of mind is invaluable. I'm also glad for all the time you spent with Jenna and your crazy detail-oriented steel trap of a memory. I enjoy the brief exchanges of nostalgia, the long conversations we have in person, and the random thoughts we wish we could share with her. Finally, thank you for coming down to visit me. Both times. I get so much out of it.  I hope you do too.  Please come down again soon.

QUICK ASIDE! 

So for those of you who are NOT Dirk and reading along, I have a story I know you'll enjoy as much as we did.  After Wednesday karaoke the first night Dirk came down to visit (I managed to convince Dirk to sing a stirring rendition of Tupac's "California Love"), we were sitting in Steak n Shake reminiscing.  When our order came, Dirk opened his burger, picked off the pickles and chuckled.  It reminded him that whenever he and Jenna went to McDonald's, she would always order a McChicken with cheese, and he would always order a Big Mac and take off the pickles.  Now Jenna, being the attentive and observant girlfriend she was, noticed this habit and began asking for Dirk's Big Mac with no pickles when she ordered.  Thoughtful, right?  Well apparently Dirk preferred chaos (some men just want to watch the world burn, etc).  Every time Jenna would ask for no pickles, Dirk would yell over her out the window "NO I WANT PICKLES!!!"  Jenna would tell the cashier to ignore him, but Dirk would continue protesting.  This doubtlessly left a very confused cashier.  It became a running joke to bet on whether or not they would end up giving him pickles.  If there were no pickles, great!  Dirk didn't want them in the first place.  If there were pickles on the burger, great!  That gave him the chance to pick them off and throw them at Jenna.  It was really a win win. 

 (Dirk and Jenna, respectively) 

This story cracked me up.  I immediately got a clear visual of her frustrated tone, so similar to my own, rolling her eyes and calling Dirk an asshole.  That's when I got the idea to take the pickles outside after we were finished, and throw them into the night.  So we did. 

BACK TO THE HEARTFELT STUFF...

Certain things and people make me feel closer to my sister than others. You are one of them. In fact, being around you is the closest I get to the same kind of vibe I got from my sister. It's probably because you're so similar, but I also think it's because you hold so much of her. We both do. And I think having such easy access to parts of her we aren't totally familiar with or used to, even after she's gone, is a very comforting thing. It's the biggest reason why I've been so adamant about getting as many of Jenna's friends involved in this blog as possible. Thank you for being so involved and so accessible. I look forward to put our fantastic plans for future posts into action:)

I know that the idea of falling in love and living happily ever after with anyone else is completely unimaginable right now, and I know we've already talked about this, but I also know just how much she wants you to be happy and live your life. And this topic is a crucial part of it. So here some of the things we discussed in a place you can always look at them: 1) Let your love for Jenna be your rock, not your anchor. Rocks are something you can pick up and carry with you, remember? It should be something that you can always rely on to hold you steady, but never something that holds you back. 2) When you are ready to love again, don't feel guilty. We keep saying it over and over, but you have to remind yourself that she wants you to be happy. Listen to her and let her help you find someone she would approve of. Speaking from experience, using whether or not Jenna would approve as a determining factor in a relationship ended up serving me very well. You may also let her help you come up with creative nicknames for those who end up not being worth your time like she did for me. You know what I'm talking about.  3) Never expect anyone to compete with her. This will always be something completely different. It should never be compared to whatever happiness you find in the future. 4) Let the successes and even more importantly, the mistakes you made with Jenna make you the best and most loving man a woman could ever hope for. If it gets hard, remember to ask yourself: What kind of legacy do you want her to leave behind?

Okay. Enough lectures. Happy birthday Dirk. Really. Mine was difficult and yours will be too, but keep finding reasons to be happy. And keep pushing forward.  I'll be right there with you.

I'll see you soon.
Lots of love,
- Amanda

Don't Stop Believin'
(Jenna would have been proud)

Coping with the Stages of Grief: Depression

I'm on my knees

only memories 

are left for me to hold

Dont know how 

but Ill get by 

Slowly pull myself together 

Theres no escape

So keep me safe

This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily 

Fill this empty space 

Nothing is like it seems

Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold

Loneliness unfold

Like from another world

Come what may

I wont fade away

But I know I might change 

Nothing comes easily 

Fill this empty space 

Nothing is like it was

Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily 

Where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace

Ive lost everything 

I just want to feel your embrace

____________________________________________________

This past week has been difficult. I've tried to find the energy to write a long post about it but I've barely had the energy to function.  This week I've been dealing with probably the most prevalent stage of grief (at least for me): Depression.

I realize as I'm writing this that I'm missing a step.  Two actually: Anger and Bargaining.  Bargaining is all about the "what if's" and the dealing in hypotheticals, which leads to blame, which can lead to anger.  I should have posted about the other stages first.  Because once you get past the anger and blame, the whole thing is just sad.  That's when the depression happens.  So yes, I suppose if I were writing a book, Anger and Bargaining should have come first.  Good thing this is a blog.  I'll post about it all eventually, but this is just so... on my mind.

My Experience with Depression

It's pretty straight forward.  I am tremendously sad.  Anger and dealing in hypotheticals has never really been my thing.  So I skipped to depression pretty quickly.  I've gone from crying violently, to just lying in bed and not talking to anyone.  We've all gone through the initial hardcore grief.  I cried everyday for two weeks.  Then it subsides a little.  What happens after that, it varies.  Or so I've gathered.

After a week or two, people want me to be okay so badly.  And sometimes I actually was.  But every moment of okay comes with that crash, and every crash reminded me that for the rest of my life, there will be a cap on my happiness.  Some of the most amazing moments of my life are yet to come: My wedding day, having a child... And even though I know I'll be happy for all of these things, I worry that I'll never be as happy as I could have been if I hadn't lost her.  I know that I can't think like that, but I can't help it.  And then THAT made me sad too.

Then suddenly... I really was okay for a while.  In fact, I remember how relieved I was.  I thought it would take me so much longer to feel this okay again.  I didn't feel like crying all the time, I didn't feel guilty when I had moments of joy or felt like flirting with my boyfriend, I actually wanted to get my resume together and felt the urge to do laundry, and I could talk about Jenna and miss her, but feel grateful for having her.

Then as stealthily as depression crept out, it crept the hell back in.  Ninja bastard...

For me, I've realized recovery is much less like a straight line and much more like the curly/sprial tail of a pig:

It is traveling in a specific direction, but it loops back pretty regularly. Grief is very much the same way. Recently, I looped the hell back. I imagine it was a combination of things. Two weekends ago, it was my birthday AND Father's Day. I talked about how we made Mother's Day delightfully distracting, but this was almost too much in one weekend. And it involved me slipping back into old habits of pleasing others before I pleased myself. I got tired out.

And soon enough, I found myself looking at pictures of Jenna and feeling that knife I thought I'd pulled out weeks ago. It came crashing down on me all over again that someone who was supposed to be a fixture in my life has been ripped away from me for no good reason. The worst part is that she still feels so friggin real. So three dimensional. I'll be flipping through her iPod and see songs I don't know. Then I realize that there are pieces of her that I don't have and may never have because I can no longer access them. An image will flash through my head that will be as simple as the curve of her shoulder under a black hoodie she always wore. And I'll know I'll never see that particular line in front of me ever again. That's when the air feels too thick and starts to choke me all over again.

I didn't get out of bed for an entire day that week.  I picked fights with my boyfriend.  When I was driving home from what I thought was a successful night of fun karaoke, I had to call a friend (who had just left before me, so I knew he was within reach) and cried on him in the parking lot of a friggin Steak n' Shake.

Then last Friday, I woke up and I felt better.  Not a LOT better, but I felt like I was coming back.  It's still shaky.  I know I'm still on the curve of the tail before the point I was at, but at least I'm not at the furthest point.  God I hope that makes sense...

Like I said, we've all gone through the initial hardcore grief.  I hope that you all got through okay.   in the spirit of Jenna (who loved to make lists), here are...

Amanda's Do's and Don'ts for your Next Grief Relapse

These are tailored specifically to me from my experiences this past week, but perhaps you can get some use out of them:

DO
Cry. It's okay. Cry a lot if you have to. In your room, on a walk, even in the parking lot of a Steak n' Shake if you must...

DON'T
Cry alone every time. Sometimes crying alone is okay, but try to cry with someone (to tell you it's going to be okay) maybe... A third of the time.

DON'T
Get mad at your significant other for letting all that crying wear him out a little. He can't help it and he's doing the best he can. He's been your rock. Cut the man some slack.

DO
Find more than one person to talk to about what you're going through. It's tempting to put it all on yourself or on one person. It's even easier in some ways (at first). But it's not fair to yourself and/or that one person to let that be your strategy. There are so many people who would love nothing more than to fill that role for you.

DON'T
Get frustrated when people don't say the right things, don't know what to say, or say the same things over and over. Not everyone is a wordsmith. They're there and they're listening.

DO
Try something new to help yourself. I'm going to try taking walks in the morning.

DON'T
Abandon the old stuff that helped. You may have just been forgetting to do it.

DON'T
Drink when you feel sad.  This is only something I've done accidentally (I didn't realize how sad I was UNTIL I'd had a few drinks), but for those of you who do use this strategy often, drinking is something that should simply ENHANCE happiness, not enable it.

DO
Recognize when you need to go home when you're out doing something. It's always good to push yourself to do things, but if you're feeling worn out, BE DONE. Everyone will understand. And if they don't, they'll get over it.

DO
Give yourself recovery and alone time if you really need it.

DON'T
Isolate yourself.

DON'T
Lose patience with yourself.  This will happen again, and THAT IS OKAY.

DO
Talk to Jenna when you're feeling your emptiest. Even if you don't feel up to it or it feels forced at first, it ALWAYS helps.

DO

Write lists.  Not just because Jenna loved them, but because they help.  Write a list of things you're grateful for.  Write a list of things that make you happy.  Write a list of things Jenna loved (then send it to me).  Write goals for yourself.  Any of these things.  I chose goals.

My Goals List:

• Go see that goddamn grief counselor. I know you don't want to go. No one wants to go. And maybe you'll get nothing out of it because you're a very self-analytical and open person, which pretty much nullifies like three quarters of what they are equipped to do for people, but hey! There's still that one forth left and maybe that'll give you something you haven't thought of yet. Maybe. At the very least it'll get your very loving and concerned father off your back... o_O

• No more than one pajama day a week. Even if you don't go anywhere. No seriously. I'm cutting you off. You're done. Go shower.

• No sleeping past 10am. At all. Nope, not even after karaoke night. Get up.

• Get a fucking job.

• GET. A FUCKING. JOB. Really though, it'll help. Do it.

I think that's an acceptable list of things to do over the next week. Hopefully it'll help.  But I also need to accept that no matter what I do, this sadness thing isn't something I'll ever be able to totally control.  I'm just going to be sad for a while.  And the only thing I can really do is set little goals to get me through each week and keep moving me forward.  Because that's the thing, when it comes right down to it, you have to surrender to a balance.  I'm coming to realize more and more that there is a spectrum.  On one end is "BASKING IN THE GRIEF" - In which you let the grief consume you.  You can never move on, you feel guilty about feeling happy, etc.  On the other end is "DENYING YOUR FEELINGS" - In which you force yourself to be okay, even when you aren't ready.  You push it down until you don't feel it.  Then it either eats away at your insides or explodes all over your outsides.  Neither one is any good.  You need to let yourself feel, but take control of the process.  Keep working and pushing forward, but try not to focus too hard on the finish line.  This isn't the kind of thing you just get over, and when I think about it, I wouldn't want to if I could.

I'm just so tired of being sad.

Emotional Physical Therapy (Just go with it...)

Jenna just stretchin' the ol' spine

I had a conversation today with my boyfriend's mom.  She's a physical therapist and she talked about how impatient she was when she herself had to undergo physical therapy some years ago.  It made me realize that's really what we're doing here.  Emotional PT.  Kind of an oxymoron but you get what I mean.  We've had a piece of us ripped off.  Nothing will ever be the same, but that doesn't necessarily mean our life is over.  It'll just be different.  And the road to recovery is going to be a process.  We can't push ourselves too hard to speed it up or we run the risk of doing more harm than good, but if we don't push ourselves at all, we'll just plateau and we'll settle for a level of function that is nowhere near what we had or what we could have.

We'll walk again, but it's going to take time, it's going to take many falls, it's going to give us a result very different than what we've been used to, and it's going to take way longer than we want it to.

It may sound cliche to say "one day at a time," but life is too short to do it any other way.

Happy Birthday/Mother's Day/Father's Day - Emphasis on Happy.

New Business

I updated the color scheme.  I think it's more Jenna.  Less "Welcoming a Baby Boy", more summer and happiness.  She was even more of a creature of summer than I am.

Also, we have a facebook page now!  Like us on facebook for updates on the blog, inspirational/nostalgic pictures and videos, and for a chance to help me with my writing by sharing your Jenna stories!  Click here to check us out!

On to the Actual Post...

This will be a quick post.  I have lots of stuff to do today and my parents are coming into town.

It's my birthday this Saturday.  I'll be turning 25.

I think one of the worst things about losing my sister so young is that there will come a day years from now where I will have lived longer without her than I have with her.  I'll be 48.  I'll only be about halfway done with my life.  There will still be such a long way to go...

Please don't misunderstand.  I have not only have a passion, but a HUNGER for life.  I know I must make my life twice as amazing for both of us now and I will never truly be without her as I do it.  It's just... sad sometimes.  And that's okay.  I'll ramble more about that when I write about Depression in my Stages of Grief posts.

We already made it through one holiday - Mother's Day was really fun.  We had a really wonderful dinner with my roommates, went to Medieval Times, saw Dark Shadows (which totally sucked), and then had drinks with my friends.  Medieval Times was awesome because it reminded my mom of...


Jenna's WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!

My mom saw this horse show and thought it would be cool to take my sister and her friends to see dancing horses for her 13th birthday!

What she thought it would be like:

FUCK YEAH DANCING HORSES!!!

What it was actually like...

Fancy Trotting

Bowing

More trotting (but fancy!)

All to music!

My mom was humiliated.  My sister was humiliated.  Years later, it was hilarious.  I mean... I had been to a horse dancing show in Spain that year and I thought it was great!  There were flamenco dancers and TONS of spectacle.  I thought it was cool.  Then again, I was a weird kid.  And even if my impression of a dancing horse show was more epic than how they do it in the states (it's actually a thing over there in Spain), it probably still wasn't the best idea for a preteen birthday.  But it made for a fantastic story and hilarious ammunition for future banter.

During Medieval Times, there was a whole section with lots of fancy trotting and bowing.  My mom started laughing and reminded me of the epic fail.  It was great.  It gave us exactly what we needed on a day like today: A proper distraction combined with something to make us feel connected in a positive way.  I'm hoping this weekend can be similar.

I don't know what I would do without my friends.  They are absolutely the best medicine for days when we feel the most hollow.  They are so warm and wonderful.  My parents plan on adopting them.  I think that will also be a topic for a future post.  *Writes it down on her list*

We're postponing Father's Day until my dad's knee heals up (he just had surgery) so we can go paintballing.  Yes paintballing.  I'm fuckin terrified.  It'll be great.

This weekend will be filled with friends, grilled meat, the beach, and laser tag.

I'll go more in depth on the events when the weekend is over (I'd really like to start posting more often).  My cookout on the beach is in less than three hours and I have to get dressed.  For now I will leave you with Jenna and my facebook wall posts on each other's birthdays over the years.  We didn't always remember to write on each other's wall  - Or rather I didn't since I didn't use facebook to it's full potential until a couple years after it was launched.  Jenna being in high school, however, was all over that shit - but they are amusing.  They're also the type of thing I want to go into this weekend with: Something that makes me smile.

Happy birthday whore.

Me - 2011

Happy birthdayyy. Have fun at your house party, I hope you get wasted.

Jenna - 2011

Have a happy happy birthday! Woohoo

Jenna - 2010 - I gave her so much crap for such a weak and pleasant birthday greeting later. She promptly made up for it in person...

Happy Day-You-Invaded-My-Life-Without-Permission.
♥ Me! 

Me - 2009

Happy birthday skank face
I'll be seeing you in a few hours so I don't need to make this too extravagant.

Jenna – 2009

HAHAHAHAHAHA
oh my god you suck
your card TOTALLY tricked me and now I feel like an idiot hahah
thank you for the book, it was be very helpful actually and also thanks for the goodies inside the card! :)

 oh and I like how you wrote fuck on the card and then scribbled it out hah, retard

Jenna to Me - 2008 - Apparently I did not write on her wall for her birthday this year, but I sent her a birthday card that would not open. I tricked her.
I'm sitting about 3 feet away from you right now
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU UGLY HOOKER SLUT!
 now get me a fake ID so we can go bar hopping
! yay!

Jenna - 2008

Happy birthday 3 days late whore bag :)
I can't get in trouble for doing this 3 days late either cus I live with you..

Jenna - 2007

Jenna at my 21st Birthday - I had to work the next day so she very generously took most of my shots.  Haha Just kidding!  Underage drinking is bad.

Guest Post: Sarah K and MaryClaire

I'm hoping that I'll soon have enough stories from friends of Jenna to make these types of posts a weekly thing.  PLEASE send me your stories about Jenna.  Even little things or inside jokes you have.  I would love for this blog to turn into a collaboration.

This was one of the first stories I got:)

Sarah's Story aka "Quakers on a Summer Night"

Sarah and Jenna

Some context:  Sarah, MaryClaire, and Lauren (who will be mentioned in the second story) knew Jenna from grade school.  MaryClaire actually grew up on our street BEFORE we moved into what will be referred to as our "Pebble Beach" house.  The house we lived in when this story takes place was indeed out in the middle of nowhere.  It was outside the city and right behind this large public property.  It was a very large house (we have since downgraded since the economy demanded it - But with our recent loss, our need to build a new house turned out to be a blessing in disguise).  Since it was so large, it was very creepy to be alone in.  Especially at night o_O  It should also be noted that our parents had a giant master bathroom with an equally giant bathtub in it.

"After you had lived in your old (yet new, not Pebble Beach house) we seemed to like to embrace the creepiness of it being out in the middle of "nowhere" (compared to my house on San Juan trail and MaryClaire's in Wexford). So one night we were watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre for what was probably the thousandth time. 

However, this time it was summer and the windows, etc. were open and it was heat lightning. for some reason this weather phenomenon happened to line up with our interesting selves deciding for the first time in our lives to "play Quakers" i.e. turning off all the lights and electronics (mainly computer since we were at the height of our AIM addiction). 

This led to us minorly freaking out (probably mostly me since Jenna wasn't known to be a pussy- unless it was a situation dealing with spiders, but other than that she was always the daring one). Well this was actually quite creepy i'm not gonna lie (your parents were out to a movie or something, generally not worried about what shenanigans we were up to on timber lane since Dave probably had the place on lockdown and lets be honest as private school girls i mean come on.... we never really did anything THAT bad). So.... to proceed in our scared ways we decided the safest thing to do was grab the large knives on display in your kitchen and take cover in Lynne and Dave's whirlpool. About 10 minutes later we were starting to feel better and retreated back to the basement and eat copious amonts of candy to help us feel better. The end. (Sidenote: not sure why we ever decided to play quakers at age 13, but lets be honest Jenna and I bonded on our weirdness factor and MC was generally down for anything)"

This is hilarious because Jenna told me ANOTHER story about a time when she was home completely alone one night in the house (my parents were in Florida or out to a late party or something) and kept hearing noises and seeing shadows, so she took ALL THE ANIMALS  and into my parents' bathroom and hid in the whirlpool. Apparently that was her go-to hiding spot.

Jenna and MC

MaryClaire's Follow-Up Story aka "Three's a Crowd.  Or Maybe You're All Just Fat."

"Speaking of Texas chainsaw massacre... Me, Lauren, and Jenna went to go see that in theaters (obviously your mom had to like walk in with us and make sure we could go since we were like 13 and it was rated R). We decided since we knew we would be scared that it was a good idea for all 3 of us to squish into the love seat for the entire movie. Yes us 3 fatties. Needless to say an hour and a half or 2 hours later by the time the movie was over I don't even think I could walk my body had been so squished and we literally had indents from the arm rest. That seating arrangement may have stunted my growth spurt permanently.. But totally worth it. I will never ever be able to watch that movie without thinking about that time/Jenna."

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Well I hope you enjoyed this guest post as much as I did.  I also hope you enjoyed the titles I made up for them.  As you can see, there really doesn't have to be a point to your stories.  Sometimes they can just be moments.  Please continue to send me stories either on facebook, at alroark16@gmail.com, or comment on the blog!

Life After Death: My Thoughts on Heaven

Okay so let me preface this since this can potentially be a touchy subject. One: I have a lot of thoughts on organized religion. I have the upmost respect for certain aspects and serious problems with others. But this is about MY personal beliefs, not other people's. Debates about subjects like that are meant for in-person. It usually only ever gets ugly on the internet. Two: While this and many of my future reflections on the possibilities of life after death are supported by many scientific studies/theories, this is a blog. I'm not writing a research paper or thesis.

I'm just reflecting in wake of losing my sister. Please bear both of these things in mind if you feel compelled to respond to this.

My personal religious beliefs fluctuate.  I don’t like to commit to believing one thing because I’ve found that by doing that, it always seems to force me to close my mind off to realms of other possibilities that may make more sense at any given moment.  Sometimes I say “God,” sometimes I say “The universe”.  Sometimes I pray, sometimes I hope.  I’d never been too concerned about the after life because I feel like it’s kind of shallow to be good in this life just because you’re hoping for some kind of reward or you’re afraid of some kind of punishment when it’s all over.  But now that I’ve lost my sister, I can’t help it.

I also have a real problem with ignoring the facts of science just because it might alter your religious beliefs.  On the other hand, I have an equally large problem with staunch atheists who seem determined to offer some sort of explanation, no matter how flimsy, to explain away the possibility that something greater DOES exist.  Both points of view are stubborn.  And I imagine both types of people who practice them holding their hands over their ears going “LALALALALALA!!!”
I never understood how scientific facts MUST negate religion and vice versa.  You know who else felt that way?  Einstein.  I don’t feel like I’m in bad company here.

So along these beliefs of mine, I came up with a theory about the afterlife.  Because I do believe it exists.  I came up with this idea long before I lost Jenna, but with all the discussions I’ve had lately, I’m becoming more and more convinced that this could be a real truth.

Okay, so you know how when you turn off a television, there’s a PFT sound?  Well I believe the brain does something similar when it shuts down—Even when it happens quickly, like being crushed by a falling piano.  Any large source of energy like that makes one last little pft before it goes out.  In that split second, I believe the brain thrusts itself into a dreamlike state to prepare the body for death.  In a dream, a split second can last as long as you need it to. 

So in that dream, you mind takes you wherever you subconsciously believe you belong.  That explains why people who have near death experiences always seem to report going to a heaven that somehow resembles their particular religious beliefs.  I also like think that the truly wicked people in this world subconsciously know that they are wicked people, so they will be haunted by their regrets and misdeeds.  The good people however, like you or me (unless you’re secretly a serial killer) are shown whatever will soothe them the most – Whether it’s a vision of paradise, reliving their best memories, living another life entirely, whatever.  Perhaps the people who have their lives cut short live out whatever they may have missed in the best possible way imaginable.

And while this theory might seem scientific, it is my belief that (assuming I’m right) the fact that the brain does this at all IS divine.  If this function does in fact exist, it serves no real survival purpose.  The idea that our brain has found a way to tap into something like this is truly special.  It is worth wondering about and being in awe of – Just like existence itself.  The big bang obviously happened, but whatever pulled the trigger is unknown and worth revering.  We exist because of it – Whatever it is.  And we should be grateful.

So after that split second… then what?  I have a few theories on that as well, but that’s for another post.  You can't help but wonder about this stuff when you've lost someone you've loved.  And wonder I have.

We're just scratching the surface.  Stay tuned.

"Angelic" way ahead of our time:P
(Galapagos Islands)

Coping with the Stages of Grief: Denial

The stages of grief come and go with me.  They appear, disappear, and reappear in no particular order.  As this blog progresses, I’d like to share how I have (and in some cases still am) personally experiencing each stage and share the tools I used/am using to cope with it.  BEAR IN MIND: These points of view will be constantly evolving.  It is my journal after all.

So let’s start with denial. 

My experience with Denial

[Edit: I deleted the first part of this section simply because I felt the overall entry was too damn long and the story wasn't totally necessary to what I actually want to say on this particular topic.  I'll very likely bring it up in a future entry. Till then, you're not missing much.  Promise.]

Denial hits me these days in a way that’s far more passive than what they show in the movies.  I don’t deny Jenna is gone, but because we were at a point in our lives where we didn’t see each other every day and we only talked on the phone every week or every other week, it’s strange.  Everything around me feels so normal.  It’s tempting to just sort of ride that wave sometimes, but part of me is constantly working to keep reminding myself that she’s not there so I don’t forget—Because with every moment of forgetting, there’s a moment of remembering.  And those are the WORST.  

What’s more prevalent is the surreal nature of it all.  This isn’t the kind of thing that’s supposed to happen.  Jenna was such a practical person and the kind of person that did stupid things, but never THAT stupid (though whenever she crossed the line, she would ALWAYS get caught).

COMMERCIAL BREAK!  JENNA STORY!!!

One night several years ago, Jenna was home alone and wanted some Chinese food.  Now for anyone who knew Jenna, you know that food was a very high priority.  Cravings bore supernatural powers.

FUCK YEAH EATING!!!

The house we lived in through most of high school was beautiful, but it was just outside of the delivery range of any food place other than Dominos and Pizza Hut.  So if Chinese food was to be had, someone was going to have to go pick it up.  Unfortunately, Jenna only had her driver’s permit and no one else was home – My parents were out and I was at my high school prom.  So Jenna made the only decision she could have: Steal her sister’s car and go pick up the food herself.

The drive was successful.  Jenna made it to the Chinese place and back without destroying my car or anyone around her.  My parents came home and asked where she got the Chinese food; Jenna shrugged and said she found a place that delivered.  My parents thought nothing of it.  Anyone else would have been able to consider this just something silly they did when they were fifteen and got away with it.  BUT THIS… WAS JENNA. 

When I was in high school I had this purple PT Cruiser with the very distinct license plate, “GIRLS PT” (we got it when they were still cool…).  Needless to say, this was a very  recognizable car.  The next day, my mom was talking to her friend who off-handedly mentioned that she saw ME driving around last night.  This gave my mother pause… Amanda was at her prom… How could she have been driving around?
“Are you sure it was Amanda?”
“Yeah! I recognized the license plate.  Why?”
The Chinese food! 

Of course, my parents couldn’t confront Jenna in the normal way.  They had to screw with her a bit first.  They basically asked her to explain the Chinese food (my dad pretended he wanted to order from there) and watched her pile one feeble lie on top of the other until she cracked.  

So… Let’s take a moment here to reflect.  Only Jenna had this kind of luck.  Only Jenna would commit such a STUPID infraction and only Jenna would FAIL at it so epically.  I have so many more stories precisely like this that I can’t wait to share with you.  This one just happens to be one of my favorites.

Anyway, back to our previously scheduled program…

So yeah.  The surreal nature of it is definitely a thing.  It’s a big thing.  Talking about Jenna in the past tense feels so uncomfortable, but talking about her in the present feels like I’m kidding myself.  Most of the time, the idea that this is real gives me the same feeling I get when I think about the size of the universe.  Everything just starts feeling… wibbly wobbly. The whole thing is wrong.  The usual comforting thoughts that the person we’ve lost lived a full life or they were in pain and now in a better place... They don't work here.  It’s like she was struck by lightning.

So How Do You Deal?

So here we are in Denial.  We want this to have never happened.  We don’t want to believe Jenna can’t be with us in the way that we’re used to.  That’s denial in its classic form.  It's easy to recognize and it's something that affects us far more obviously right after the fact than in the weeks/months/years to follow.

The other side of denial that I think is far more prevalent and likely to affect us long after we've stopped looking for it is that in our attempts to avoid denial, we often deprive ourselves of things we don’t have to.

The trick is recognizing the difference between these compulsions to hide from this terrible circumstance and finding the real pieces you’re ALLOWED to keep and may not even realize it.

So here are some things that you can do when that moment of realization hits you again, and you find yourself missing her more than you can bear:

Have a conversation

This isn't just about talking to Jenna.  That's praying.  That's wonderful, but I like this better.  I mean talking to her and listening to what she has to say in return.

Okay so the first thing I want to say is that at first glance, this may sound a little "Gollum talking to himself in LOTR."  But it's not.  This is not developing a split personality.  It's simply helping yourself access that part of you that holds someone you love, and it gives you the opportunity to get the comfort and advice you've been missing.

Here’s how you do it.  First, you pick a place and you picture her.  I usually like to imagine her in her long sleeved t-shirt and sweats, with her hair pulled back in a high ponytail and that elastic thing she always wore around her wispies.  The visualization is important.  Often I imagine her sitting on the edge of my bed, sometimes she’ll be walking next to me, sometimes she’ll be in the passenger seat of my car.  Acknowledging that she does take up space really adds to this.  The more you can make yourself feel like she’s really there with you, the easier it is to feel like you’re really talking to her.  If you accidentally knock into her “space” while you’re walking, interrupt your train of thought with an “Oop!  Sorry!”  Now, she always responds to me with an, “I’m not really here you weirdo…” but I like it.  It adds a lot for me.

So talking to her.  I always make sure I say what I want to say out loud, even if it’s just a whisper, then hear her responses in my head.  It makes it feel less like you’re just having a conversation with yourself.  The final step is the trickiest one.  You have to relax your mind and sort of turn yourself into a human Ouija board.  JENNA is talking to you.  Not you.  So she wouldn’t respond the way you would.  I get myself to those places in a couple different ways.  Sometimes it takes me a few seconds of conversation to feel like I’m really there.  Think about the words she uses that are different from yours.  Think about the speed that she speaks.  It usually helps me if I make sure I don’t forget to tease her and make sure she takes shots at me.  Because that’s the way she talked.  Let her get frustrated or bored with you if necessary.  Anything else is just a prayer.

I do this whenever I’m lonely.  But this is also what I do whenever I fall into holes.  Sometimes I get into spirals that I can’t come out of.  I start getting hysterical about the injustice of it all or over the horrible aspects of this loss that will never go away.  

The most powerful time this helped me was a few weeks ago.  Something set me off and all of a sudden, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Jenna died – How it must have felt, what thoughts may have been in her head, and of course the worst possible scenarios that I knew weren’t even true.  I started panicking.  So my boyfriend reminded me to do the only thing that ever works in situations like this: Talk to Jenna.  I took a deep breath, I visualized her sitting on the edge of my bed the way she would when we were catching up at home, looking at me with the facial expression she wore when I was really upset about something: The “I’m concerned that you are this worked up, but calm the fuck down because you are making me seriously uncomfortable” face.  I relaxed my brain and did what I do.

She asked me what was wrong and I told her.  I told her how much I missed her and she responded the way she always does: “I know.”  I told her that I got caught in a panic spiral about the way she died and I just couldn’t shake it.  In my minds eye, she sighed, and her expression changed to the one she always wore when she was getting ready to tell me something that simply wouldn’t stick if it were coming from someone else.  That look that told me I was probably going to respond with a lot of “buts”, but she was right and I was going to know it.  And this is what I heard in my head:

“Look, I know you’re all super in touch with your feelings and you’re all about making sure you acknowledge them at all costs.  And normally that’s a good thing.  In a lot of ways that makes you healthier than the rest of us.  But for this one particular thing, you’re going to have to act like a normal person.  You need to just shut this one out.  You’ve already thought about this enough.  You figured out how things actually happened and that’s great!  But now the only thing left that thinking about this will do is hurt you.  You’re just torturing yourself and you need to just STOP.”

“But how can I just…?”

“Upbupbup!  Gih!  Just stop.  Suppressing isn’t always a bad thing.  No more good can come of thinking about it so what’s the point?  There’s NO POINT.”

“Yeah… I know you’re right.”

“Obviously.”

“It’s just so hard.”

“Well not for most people.  Suppressing is actually way easier than the shit you do.  You’re just an emotionally healthy freak.”

The thing about “talking to Jenna” like this is that, even though I know it’s in my mind (Ha… that got very Les Mis “On My Own for a second didn’t it?), it lets me get to places that I probably wouldn’t have if I just let myself stay in my own mindset.  And that is something very special and extremely important.

Let her be around you when you’re doing things

You don’t always have to talk.  Sometimes just knowing that she’s with you to see certain things can be all you need at the moment.  My dad told me a while back how much he just wanted to be able to hug her.  I get that.  But Jenna was never a very physical person with her family (she did not enjoy hugs from us – It was amusing).

I reminded my dad that when it came to the exchange of affection between Jenna and us, it was less about being able to touch her and more about the feeling of her on the couch next to you, watching one of our shows.  Even with the people she was affectionate with, so much more of Jenna’s power was in her presence.  I was talking to Emily, one of Jenna’s friends – our neighbor growing up, went to the same school as Jenna from preschool to high school, and even when they went off to college was a constant in her life – and we agreed that it was soothing just be in a room with her.

And lucky us, this is something that is easier to tap into and still get access to than possibly anything else we’ve lost.  If we let ourselves stop being distracted by what we’re missing and simply open our hearts, you can definitely still feel that same presence during key moments.  I don’t always feel her, but when I do, there’s no doubt in my mind she’s there.  For example: It’s especially prevalent during movies whenever a trailer comes on for something she and I would’ve loved.

I also felt her the other day in the gym.  Jenna always made fun of my lack of athleticism while simultaneously attempting to harass me into cultivating more.  I was on the elliptical for the first time in a long time, listening to her iPod.  I was about to get off when my lungs started burning around the usual mark, then suddenly… 99 Red Balloons by Goldfinger came on.  That was one of our songs that we always rocked out to in the car.  As soon as that first chord hit me, I looked up and saw her in front of me, raising her eyebrows in a “Don’t you dare get off that thing sort of way”, so I took a deep breath and pushed through.  I imagined her dancing in front of me the way we always used to when we would close the office door, blast a song, and take a break from doing homework in high school, mouthing the words all the while with a blatant “You’re a terrible athlete and you suck but I will kill you if you give up now” subtext.

So it’s stuff like that.  Let yourself feel her.  If you need her, let her be there.  But don’t let it be in that clichéd way you see on TV.  It’s just like the conversations.  Jenna had a very specific way that made her special.  Don’t deny yourself that.

Love Your Dreams

I plan on writing an entire entry about the nature of my dreams in particular, but this is already getting long so I’ll keep things general.  Not being afraid to dream about Jenna is a huge part of healing.  Sometimes just seeing her in a dream can ease the pain of missing her, and sometimes I have lucid dreams – A dream where we both know she’s gone and we both know that this is a dream.  Those are actually my favorite.  I actually feel like I'm with her rather than just thinking about her.  Again, I’ll go into my dreams a bit more some other day.  For you, if you feel like you’re missing Jenna particularly hard, think about your best memories before you go to sleep.  Imagine her waiting for you there.  And if you want to lucid dream, here’s how to start practicing: When you wake up from any dream, close your eyes and add on to the ending.  Bring closure to whatever scene you were in.  Don’t describe it in your head, SEE IT.  Hear it.  Use your imagination.  This is particularly useful with bad dreams.

I would like to take a moment to remind those reading this (in case they don’t already know) that these strategies may not be for everyone.  They are just tools in my toolbox that have worked for me.  If you can’t take your mind certain places, don’t force yourself.  Do whatever comforts you. 

What do these things have to do with Denial again?

I have many other coping mechanisms but these are the ones I use for denial.  These might seem like strange ways to deal with denial, but like I said, being hyper aware of accepting what's happened can often make you blind to things that can offer real and healthy comfort.  Yes, we have lost.  We must accept that.  However, we haven’t lost as much as we think, and that can be even harder to accept with all the sadness making us question everything that might really comfort us.  It’s my belief that these acts of exploring the new things you DO have can also help you come to terms with and accept the old things that you don’t anymore.


PS

COMMENTS: I have changed my blog settings so anyone can post.  Please share what Jenna looks like in your mind's eye (hairstyle, clothes, expression), any conversations you've had with her, or simply any stories you remember.