Celebrate Harry Potter Month

On September 29th, my sister's birthday, my family will be in Harry Potter World, spreading part of my sister's ashes.

Jenna LOVED Harry Potter.

She read and reread the books, she listened and relistened to the audiobooks when she was studying, sleeping, or driving (something we both did), and watched the movies to an almost compulsive degree.

My next post will be about Jenna and her relationship with Harry Potter, but I still need YOUR help.  Please e-mail or post on the facebook page all your stories about Jenna and Harry Potter.  Little things are the best things - Favorite book, favorite character, etc.

In this post, I'm going to talk about how you can celebrate Harry Potter this month to honor Jenna's memory.  That's right, I've dubbed this month Celebrate Harry Potter Month!

Click here to read about what Harry Potter meant to my sister and what it means to me now

Click here to read about our trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter

How You Can Celebrate

Read the books if you haven't already.

Seriously.  They are amazing.  You're missing out if you don't.  And before you start thinking you're too old, book three is when shit gets REAL.

I highly recommend borrowing the books from a friend or from the library, but if you're super cheap... Here are each of the books online for free.  

WARNING: While these sites did nothing to my computer, I have a Mac and don't know if they are safe for PC.  They probably are, but make sure your anti-malware software is up to date when visiting websites that promise ANYTHING for free, just in case.

• The Sorcerer's Stone
• Chamber of Secrets
• Goblet of Fire
• Order of the Phoenix
• Half-Blood Prince
• Deathly Hallows

Listen to the audiobooks.

The audiobooks are AMAZING and the best investment I've ever made.  Jim Dale is an award winning reader and truly brings the books to life with his many voices.  I've found that once I finished reading the books, I've truly enjoyed listening to these over and over again.

Purchase them legally here on Amazon as an early Christmas present to yourself

If you're feeling rebellious, you can download them at Pirate Bay.

If you're feeling cheap but NOT so rebellious, you can listen to them here on YouTube.  The reader is NOT Jim Dale.  I don't know if she does the voices like he does (I only listened to a snippet) but she has a lovely voice and it's free.  Download them as MP3s or have them up while derping around on the internet (possibly browsing for more Potter-related activities).

Watch the Movies

IMPORTANT NOTE: Watching the movies does not, I repeat does NOT COUNT as reading the books.  If you haven't read the books, READ THE DAMN BOOKS.

Anyway! You can rent them, buy them, or stream them online.  Or borrow them from friends.  If you don't have any friends who own these movies, you should probably rethink your life choices...

The easiest way to watch them online is rent them on YouTube for about $1.99.  Not all of them are available, however.

• Sorcerer's Stone (Not available)
• Chamber of Secrets
• Prisoner of Azkaban (Not available)
• Goblet of Fire
• Order of the Phoenix
• Half-Blood Prince
• Deathly Hallows Part 1 (Not available)
• Deathly Hallows Part 2 (Not available)

If you're really that cheap, message me and I'll send you links to my favorite streaming sites.  I'd rather not broadcast them here.

RE-read the books, RE-listen to the audiobooks, RE-watch the movies

No explanation needed.

Eat, Drink, and be Merry!
Never underestimate the power of a good Google search (I'm not doing ALL your work for you), but here are some great recipes I found to get you started.

First, WAKE UP!

Now, CLICK AWAY!

My first go-to place for anything Harry Potter food related.

A much newer find for me.

Madame Rosmerta's Recipes also has a fantastic collection and is better organized.

Get Sorted
Knowing what house you would be in can make celebrating a lot more fun.  BE HONEST NOW!

Quiz 1  Quiz 2  Quiz 3 

Dress the Part

The basics of the Harry Potter world are as follows:

School Uniform chic - Pleated skirt, knee socks, ties, sweater vests, etc.  This goes for boys too... Though I don't recommend the pleated skirt or knee socks (unless you have the legs to pull them off of course).  Etsy.com has some serious Potter-swag.  Type in the keyword and watch the magic.

Once you've been sorted, it's good to know your house colors:

At the very least, use your natural wardrobe to rock these colors.  Rock them hard.  Nail polish and scarves recommended.  Yeah, nail polish even for the boys.  Why the hell not?

And of course, the eyewear is essential.

You can also make them out of pipe cleaner!

If you're more into the extreme for eyewear, here's a great tutorial on how to make Luna Lovegood's Spectrespecs

Finally, your most important piece of your wizarding wardrobe, your wand.  Here's a nifty tutorial I found online.  I did my own variation with a girl I babysit and it was actually really easy and fun.

Harry Potter Wand Tutorial

Get Crafty

The Leaky Cauldron.org

This one was the best site I found for crafts of all levels.

Now... some of these are for advanced pinterest addicts only, but some are surprisingly easy.  For example, communicate with your roommates through Owl Post.  This can be done one of two ways:

The balloon method is pretty straightforward.  The paper airplane requires a bit of an explanation (click here for the how-to).

The wand making thing I listed in the previous section is really awesome too.

Party Your Ass Off

Jenna played almost as hard as she worked.  She appreciated the value of a solid night of getting fucked up with people she loved.  So do her proud.  RESPONSIBLY, DAMMIT.

First, here are some Classy Cocktails

THE GOBLET OF FIRE

With this fiery beverage comes great responsibility. Only it will know if you are prepared for the ultimate battle of wizardry. This spicy cocktail isn't for the faint of heart, only try it if you dare.

Serves 1

Ingredients:

• 1 ounce vodka
• 7 ounces Bloody Mary mix
• 1 tablespoon fresh squeezed lime juice
• A teaspoon of hot pepper sauce
• A sprinkle of black pepper
• Lime
• Asparagus spears
• High proof alcohol like 151 or Everclear

Directions:

1. Fill a glass with ice and add the ingredients to the cup. Garnish with lime and an asparagus spear.
2. Drizzle with a high proof alcohol and light on fire. Don't attempt to drink your fiery drink until the flames have burnt out or you'll be expelled from Hogwarts.

MOANING MYRTLE

This ghostly cocktail may seem sweet at first sight, but don't let it's invisible exterior fool you. The fizzy flavor will sneak up on you when you least expect it. The good news is you don't have to hang out in the ladies' bathroom to find this martini and you won't want to avoid it either.

Serves 1

Ingredients:

• 2 ounces Champagne
• 1 ounce vodka
• 2 ounces white grape juice
• Purple sugar
• Optional: Dry Ice

Direction:

1. Pour a small amount of grape juice onto a plate and a small amount of purple sugar on a different plate. Dip the rim of the glass in the juice and then in the sugar until the rim is coated.
2. Add vodka, white grape juice, and ice to a martini shaker and shake until chilled. Pour into the martini glass and add the chilled champagne.
3. For a ghostly effect add a small piece of dry ice.

BUTTERBEER-TINI

Celebrate the Harry Potter way with this adult version of one of the Hogwarts clan's favorite beverages. If this can quench the thirst of wizards, there is no doubt you'll love it too.
Serves 1
Ingredients:

• 2 ounces vodka
• 1 ounce butterscotch schnapps
• 2 ounces cream soda
• 1 ounce half and half
• Butter
• Sugar

Directions:

1. Melt a small piece of butter on a plate and pour some sugar on a separate plate. Dip the rim of your glass in the butter and then the sugar to coat the rim.
2. Pour vodka, butterscotch schnapps, cream soda and half and half into a martini shaker filled with ice. Shake lightly until combined and chilled.
3. Pour the mixture into the glass and serve.

DEMENTOR'S KISS

Have your wands ready and start practicing your patronus spell! This creamy delight is evilly delicious and it will steal your soul with just one sip.

Serves 1

Ingredients:

• 1-1/2 ounce crème de cocoa
• 1 ounce vodka
• 1 ounce coffee liqueur
• 2 ounces of half and half
• Cinnamon

Directions:

1. Pour a small amount of half and half onto a plate and some cinnamon on a different plate. Dip the rim of your glass in the half and half and then in the cinnamon.
2. Mix the crème de cocoa, vodka, coffee liqueur, and half and half into a martini shaker filled with ice. Shake until it is combined and chilled.
3. Pour into the cinnamon rimmed glass and serve.

THE MOJITO THAT MUST NOT BE NAMED

Sip this if you dare but whatever you do, do not mention its name or you'll bring evil upon us all. You should avoid this mojito if you have a lightning bolt-shaped scar on your forehead.
Serves 1
Ingredients:

• 2 ounces clear rum
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 2 tablespoons fresh chopped basil
• 8 ounces club soda
• Frozen raspberries

Directions:

1. Add rum, lemon juice, honey and fresh basil to a glass. Muddle the mixture with a pestle or spoon in order to crush the basil and blend the flavors together. Add ice, a small handful of frozen raspberries and fill the glass with soda water.

(Source for all these recipes)

Alright, enough of the pretense.  I know most of you don't have time for the fancy stuff.
Here are some "Potions" that mean business o_O

The Gryffindor Shot
Ingredients:
1/2 part Cinnamon Aftershock
1/2 part Goldschläger Instructions:
'First layer the Aftershock, then layer the Goldschläger on top. It's best if you shake the Goldschläger first so you can get some gold flakes.'

The Hufflepuff Shot
Ingredients:
1/2 part Creme de Banana
1/2 part Jägermeister Instructions:
'Add the creme de banana first then top with chilled Jägermeister.'

The Slytherin Shot
Ingredients:
1/4 part Kahlua
1/4 part Green Creme de Menthe
1/2 part vodka Instructions:
'First add the Kahlua to shot glass. Mix the Creme de Menthe and vodka together and layer it above the Kahlua.'

The Ravenclaw Shot
Ingredients:
1/2 part vodka
1/2 part Blue Curacao Instructions:
'Use the Blue Curacao as the base, then layer the chilled vodka on top of it.'

Butterbeer (Light)
Ingredients:
1 part Schnapps, butterscotch
1 dash Schnapps, vanilla
7 parts cream soda Instructions:
'Add both vanilla and butterscotch Schnapps to mug. Pour in cold cream soda and stir very gently.'

Butterbeer (Dark)
Ingredients:
1 part Schnapps, butterscotch
1 part Schnapps, vanilla
7 parts root beer Instructions:
'Add both vanilla and butterscotch Schnapps to mug. Pour in cold root beer and stir very gently.'

The Avada Kadavra

Ingredients:
1 part Goldschläger
1 part Schnapps, sour apple pucker
1 part tequila, gold
1 part whiskey, scotch
1 splash lemon juice
2 dashes Tabasco sauce Instructions:
'Mix all ingredients. Serve in a shot glass.'

Cruciatus
Ingredients:
1 part Aftershock
1 part Jägermeister
1 part rum, dark
1 part Rumple Minze (peppermint Schnapps) Instructions:
'Mix all ingredients. Serve in a shot glass.'

Imperius

Ingredients:
1 part Everclear
1 part vodka
1 part whiskey, scotch Instructions:
'Mix all ingredients. Serve in a shot glass.'

The Dark Lord
Ingredients:
1 part Schnapps, blackberry (Black Haus)
1 part vodka
1/2 part cranberry juice
1 olive Instructions:
'Mix all ingredients with ice. Strain and serve in a cocktail glass. Garnish with a black olive.'


These are just some of many fairly easy and fun shots/mixed drinks on

So you've got your potions.  Here are some fantastic Harry Potter drinking games.

Click here for a zoomable version.

Click here for a zoomable version.

Finally, for the lazy/impatient:

Miscellaneous

• Play Quidditch

You heard me.  You know the rules.  I made up my own version recently and it was AWESOME.  I'll link it here as soon as I get the pictures up, but I fully endorse you making up your own version.  ESPECIALLY after you've completed the previous section.

• Watch AVery Potter Musical.
• Then watch A Very Potter Sequel because it's even BETTER.

Trust me on this one.  These musicals are HILARIOUS.  It was written by a group of college kids and performed (low budget).  At first, it seems like they've never read the books, but the jokes get SO amazing, you know that nobody but intense fans could have produced this.Watch it when you're cleaning your room, when you have an afternoon with nothings better to do, or an afternoon with PLENTY to do that you'd rather blow off.  Just... Seriously.  Watch them.

NOTE: The musicals are divided up by scene on YouTube due to the time restrictions.  Just keep clicking.  Promise it's worth it:)

A Very Potter Musical Act I, Scene 1

A Very Potter Sequel Act I, Scene 1

• POTTER PUPPET PALS!!!

Don't have time for musicals?  Fine.  Just watch these.  Classics from back in the day:

• Post your favorite quotes or Harry Potter pictures/memes to the  facebook page.

It makes me feel really wonderful to know you guys are right there with me.  So share your Harry Potter experiences - with Jenna and within your own lives.  I'd really love to hear it.

That's all for now.  Don't want to overload you.  Ha... Yeah too late.  I guess I just want this month to be happy.  Harry Potter has helped me through this loss quite a bit.  I will be posting more this week on just how much.  I also have some WONDERFUL artwork, written pieces, and other wonderful things in progress from some other people.  I hope to be getting even more from you soon!

Make sure to post to me how you're celebrating!

Calvin and Hobbes on Death

I'm trying to post more often, so I'm allowing myself to post more fragmented thoughts now and then rather than huge essays.

I was reading a Calvin and Hobbes collection the other day and stumbled across a story I knew very well: The Raccoon Story.  Reading it again after all these years, and after experiencing such a life altering series of events, it touched me even more deeply than ever has before.

I included the entire story for those who aren't as well versed in the series, but it's really the last four that really get to me.

And here's where the story really starts hitting me:

Maybe I'll show that last panel to my boyfriend so he'll quit smoking once and for all... Haha.

It's interesting to know that death inspires the same foundational thoughts regardless of the circumstances.  But I think what I like the most about these sets of panels is that it feels like an old friend reaching out to comfort me.

The Book of Roark

Okay so this year has sucked for pretty much everyone.  2012 needs a reset button.  I mean, I know shit happens, but at some point you start to feel picked on.  And there's a difference between making choices that turn out sucky and just plain bad luck.  For example, getting dumped by girl after girl or boy after boy.  Those are choices that turn out sucky.  It's not totally your fault.  It takes two to tango and the opposite sex blows.  But you still have some control over the situation.  You can change yourself or change the people you pick or change your methods for picking them.  All of these things can greatly affect the outcome.  Then there's just plain bad luck.  Like losing someone you love.  And that seems to be happening to my family a LOT lately.  What the fuck (get ready... there's going to be a lot of cursing in this epic of a post).

For example, a week after my sister died, my cousin Tony's dog got hit by a train.  Poor thing died in his arms.  Now... non-pet owners may not understand how awful something like that could be.  My cousin was actually really hesitant to even call us because he didn't want to undermine what we were going through, but as owners of three dogs and three cats who we've known longer than half our closest friends, we completely understood.

Then, a few weeks ago, my other cousin's husband got into a hang gliding accident.  He fractured his spine and lost feeling from the chest down.

This one sent my brain for a loop.  My cousin Beth is one of the most vibrant and beautiful souls I know.  It took her a while to finally find the love of her life, then this crap happens?  After all that OTHER crap?  No.  I reject it.

I mean, it was bad enough that for the last couple years, my family has been struggling with the effect the economy has had on our lives.  We had to sell our house, we've had to downsize substantially.  It caused a lot of emotional hurdles that each member of my family had to get over.  I don't want to go into too much detail.  My parents (especially my dad) are very open yet very private when it comes to their emotional struggles and I respect that.  But it was a long road and we were finally starting to find our footing again.  Then this happened.  Then everything else happened.

The Book of Job

The first week after my sister died, my parents visited a new church.  The sermon that day was on The Book of Job.  If you're familiar with this story, you know just how fitting this story was for our situation.  My parents felt like it was written just for them.  And it certainly ties in now with how I've been feeling lately.

For those of you who are not familiar with the book of Job, we have...

The (Suprisingly) Fairly Accurate Visual Aide (for the lazy)

Most of this version story is surprisingly accurate, except that God does give Job his stuff back at the end of the story.

The Accurate Summary

Job is a wealthy man living in a land called Uz with his large family and extensive flocks. He is “blameless” and “upright,” always careful to avoid doing evil (1:1). One day, Satan (“the Adversary”) appears before God in heaven. God boasts to Satan about Job’s goodness, but Satan argues that Job is only good because God has blessed him abundantly. Satan challenges God that, if given permission to punish the man, Job will turn and curse God. God allows Satan to torment Job to test this bold claim, but he forbids Satan to take Job’s life in the process.

In the course of one day, Job receives four messages, each bearing separate news that his livestock, servants, and ten children have all died due to marauding invaders or natural catastrophes. Job tears his clothes and shaves his head in mourning, but he still blesses God in his prayers. Satan appears in heaven again, and God grants him another chance to test Job. This time, Job is afflicted with horrible skin sores. His wife encourages him to curse God and to give up and die, but Job refuses, struggling to accept his circumstances.

Three of Job’s friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, come to visit him, sitting with Job in silence for seven days out of respect for his mourning. On the seventh day, Job speaks, beginning a conversation in which each of the four men shares his thoughts on Job’s afflictions in long, poetic statements.

Job curses the day he was born, comparing life and death to light and darkness. He wishes that his birth had been shrouded in darkness and longs to have never been born, feeling that light, or life, only intensifies his misery.

Eliphaz responds that Job, who has comforted other people, now shows that he never really understood their pain. Eliphaz believes that Job’s agony must be due to some sin Job has committed, and he urges Job to seek God’s favor. Bildad and Zophar agree that Job must have committed evil to offend God’s justice and argue that he should strive to exhibit more blameless behavior. Bildad surmises that Job’s children brought their deaths upon themselves. Even worse, Zophar implies that whatever wrong Job has done probably deserves greater punishment than what he has received.

Job responds to each of these remarks, growing so irritated that he calls his friends “worthless physicians” who “whitewash [their advice] with lies” (13:4). After making pains to assert his blameless character, Job ponders man’s relationship to God. He wonders why God judges people by their actions if God can just as easily alter or forgive their behavior. It is also unclear to Job how a human can appease or court God’s justice. God is unseen, and his ways are inscrutable and beyond human understanding. Moreover, humans cannot possibly persuade God with their words. God cannot be deceived, and Job admits that he does not even understand himself well enough to effectively plead his case to God. Job wishes for someone who can mediate between himself and God, or for God to send him to Sheol, the deep place of the dead.

Job’s friends are offended that he scorns their wisdom. They think his questions are crafty and lack an appropriate fear of God, and they use many analogies and metaphors to stress their ongoing point that nothing good comes of wickedness. Job sustains his confidence in spite of these criticisms, responding that even if he has done evil, it is his own personal problem. Furthermore, he believes that there is a “witness” or a “Redeemer” in heaven who will vouch for his innocence (16:19, 19:25). After a while, the upbraiding proves too much for Job, and he grows sarcastic, impatient, and afraid. He laments the injustice that God lets wicked people prosper while he and countless other innocent people suffer. Job wants to confront God and complain, but he cannot physically find God to do it. He feels that wisdom is hidden from human minds, but he resolves to persist in pursuing wisdom by fearing God and avoiding evil.

Without provocation, another friend, Elihu, suddenly enters the conversation. The young Elihu believes that Job has spent too much energy vindicating himself rather than God. Elihu explains to Job that God communicates with humans by two ways—visions and physical pain. He says that physical suffering provides the sufferer with an opportunity to realize God’s love and forgiveness when he is well again, understanding that God has “ransomed” him from an impending death (33:24). Elihu also assumes that Job must be wicked to be suffering as he is, and he thinks that Job’s excessive talking is an act of rebellion against God.

God finally interrupts, calling from a whirlwind and demanding Job to be brave and respond to his questions. God’s questions are rhetorical, intending to show how little Job knows about creation and how much power God alone has. God describes many detailed aspects of his creation, praising especially his creation of two large beasts, the Behemoth and Leviathan. Overwhelmed by the encounter, Job acknowledges God’s unlimited power and admits the limitations of his human knowledge. This response pleases God, but he is upset with Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar for spouting poor and theologically unsound advice. Job intercedes on their behalf, and God forgives them. God returns Job’s health, providing him with twice as much property as before, new children, and an extremely long life.

And finally, the TL; DR (Too Long; Didn't Read) Summary

There once was a guy named Job. He was blessed with a large family, wealth, and prosperity. He was a good, gracious man who fed the poor and never forgot to praise God.

The Devil bets God that Job only praises the Lord because of all the good things he has and that he wouldn't if God took it all away, so God gives Satan permission to do just that.

• His livestock is stolen/burned up.
• His house is knocked down, killing all of his children.
• He is afflicted with horrible boils.

His friend come sit in silence with him because they know he's hurting.  Finally, when Job breaks the silence and curses the day he was born, they begin to discuss.  His friends suggest that Job must have done something to deserve God's wrath, but Job rejects these notions.  He laments that God lets terrible things happen to good people while wicked people can just as often live lives free of real disaster.

God finally interrupts with a bunch of rhetorical questions to highlight how Job's human brain cannot possibly understand the Lord.  Job realizes this through his answers.  This pleases God.

Job gets all this stuff back and then some.

What I Get Out of It

As I mentioned in my previous post about heaven, I'm not sure what I believe when it comes to God and religion.  

I believe in science, but I also believe there is much more to the universe than what science has been able to tell us so far.  I believe in energy.  I believe physics is more than just equations.  I believe that the human mind is capable of far more than we've been able to decipher.  I believe in the mysteries of the universe.  Yeah. That's a good way to put it.

I believe if God exists, he is far more complex than we've been able to imagine.  And he's not a dick.  I believe that if some version of what we could call God exists, he is simply a watcher.  To do any more would be downright irresponsible.  Futurama does an excellent job of highlighting this idea.  This is probably my favorite episode of this really excellent show so you should watch it anyway when you get time, regardless.

Futurama - S04E08   Godfellas

I believe that there has been enough evidence to suggest that we have been provided with tools to affect the universe with what we put into it (for example karma or "The Secret"), BUT all we can do is tweak it.  We cannot change it.  Does that make sense?

And despite everything, I believe above everything else that sometimes... Shit happens and life isn't fair.  That's not to say that we should say "FUCK EVERYTHING" and be completely reckless.  You can definitely impact the likelihood of certain things happening to us, and it's worth making the best attempt we can, but sometimes... we have bad fucking luck. And sometimes our luck is worse than others'.  Jenna had TERRIBLE luck.  We used to joke about it.  She almost always got caught whenever she set a toe out of line.  One time when she was in middle school, she flipped our golf cart.  She was taking it down our long driveway to the tennis court in her bikini with two of her friends.  It went off the driveway just a little, she overcorrected, and it flipped.  Jenna told me that she had a memory of tumbling out, hearing the golf cart bounce, seeing it FLY OVER HER, bounce between her and her friends, then skid off away from them.  I mean... She could have died then!  But she didn't.  And that's what sucks about so many of these types of losses.  It's a case where someone makes a choice or mistake that countless other people have made.  The only difference is that sometimes it doesn't end up okay.

No matter what you do or how you live, when it comes right down to it, life is random.  All you can do is try to affect your odds.

But even then, sometimes it's like The Hunger Games.  *SPOILER ALERT* Your name's only in once, but it gets drawn anyway.

So setting aside my differing views on the cause of this bottom line, the Book of Job and I definitely agree on that point.

Great. So What Am I Supposed to Do With That Fucking Bummer?

There are two types of people: People who have suffered great loss, and those who haven't.  

DISCLAIMER ONE:  When I say great loss, I don't just mean death, but let me be clear: Even if you've lost all your money and your house burns to the ground, there is a possible way to get back to what you had before.  It may be unlikely, but there's a way.  Great loss is the loss of the life you thought you could have had with absolutely NO WAY to get it back.  You may (and are certainly encouraged to) find a way to be happy again, but it will always be different.  So for example: Non-natural order death, severe and permanent physical injury/disfigurement, or intense emotional trauma.

DISCLAIMER TWO: I know this is going to be a very "first world" oriented reflection.  I know that there are people in the world that have an entirely different set of challenges and losses to go through every day.  Whenever I feel too awful, I look at this to get some perspective.

All things considered, life could be worse.  And I'm grateful.  But that only lasts for so long.  When it comes right down to it, I'm still hurting.  And I can only live and write in and about the world that I know (and what the likely readers of this blog know).  So that's what I'm going to do.

Okay back to my first sentence.  There are two types of people [in the society that we live in]:  People who have suffered great loss and those who haven't.  I'm not saying this in a condescending way.  It's simply that there are two separate sets of ways to deal with the fairly daunting life truth we just discussed.


For Those Who Have NOT Suffered Great Loss

Try not to panic.  Knowing that there is no way to escape terrible things happening can often inspire the impulse to say "FUCK EVERYTHING" and chalk life up to "pointless", but it's not true.  Like I said before, the choices you make DO affect your odds.  They matter.  But that doesn't mean you should hide in your house either.  It means live your life.  Actually no.  I means so much more than that.  It means VALUE your life. That also includes not feeling guilty that you've never really suffered.  You should only feel guilty if you're wasting such fortunate circumstances.

• You are lucky enough to have kept all the people you really love in your life until they are supposed to go.  So love them and make sure they know it.  
• You are lucky enough to have your health.  So treat your body with respect (and that includes not forgetting to let it enjoy itself).  
• You are lucky enough to have your emotional well being intact.  So cherish and nurture the emotions of others.  

Life is short.  It can end in a blink.  What do you want to leave behind?  Take chances, let the little shit go, and for god sakes, get off the computer and go outside.  You know, ALL THAT MOTIVATIONAL POSTER CRAP.  It might sound cliche, but for how often these messages seems to be pounded into our skulls, you would think more people would actually put them into practice.

So go!  Be happy and let it be easy.  You're doing the rest of us a disservice if you don't.  Why are you still reading this?  This is a long ass post!  Come back later!  Go outside or call someone and tell them you love them.  Fuck!


For Those Who HAVE Suffered a Great Loss

The odds just weren't in your favor.  It sucks doesn't it?  I think Grey's Anatomy puts it extremely well (don't judge me - this show gets my feelings out):

"I had a terrible day.  We say it all the time.  A fight with the boss, the stomach flu, traffic, That’s what we describe as terrible: When nothing terrible is happening.  These are the things we beg for.  A root canal.  An IRS audit. Coffee spilled on our clothes.  When the really terrible things happen, we start begging a god we don’t believe in to bring back the little horrors and take away… this.  It seems quaint now, doesn’t it?  The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak, the fight that leaves you shaking with rage; Would it have helped if we could see what else was coming?  Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?"

Once the great loss has happened, it's like your on the other side of this wall and have no idea how you got there.  Everything is different, but also maddeningly the same.  And it only gets worse when you start watching the rest of the world recover.  You desperately want to get back to what you had, but now there's this little black cloud hanging over you.

So here's the big issue: People in general often have to remind themselves to be happy.  I mean, just look at the previous bit.  It's practically a compulsion for the average person to sweat the small stuff.  Now when I say happy, I know that you aren't going to be cheerful all the time.  I'm talking about the state of underlying peace that allows you to recognize and work with what life has given you with gratitude and joy, whether things happen to be going your way at that moment or not.  That overall satisfaction that you would not trade your life for any other.  And now that we're on the other side of this wall, we not only have to ACTIVELY work at being "happy" again, we also now have a legitimate reason to be sad.  We have the perfect excuse to let all our selfish and destructive impulses out.  And there are so few people who can actually call us out on it!  They don't know what we're going through.

I make-a the jokes... But in all seriousness, it's a pretty easy thing to do.

When we lose big, we have to deal with all these big emotions: Denial, Bargaining and Blame (these two often go together, depending on the type of loss, which leads to...), Anger, Depression, Acceptance, Guilt... And all these big emotions often distract us from another emotion that affects us far more profoundly than we think: Disappointment.  This emotion is so often downplayed compared to all the other things we're feeling, but we underestimate just how CRUSHING that emotion can be.  We've not only lost someone we love or a part of ourselves (emotionally/physically); we've lost an ENTIRE LIFE we thought we were going to have.  We don't just lose what we hoped for, but we lose basic essentials that we should have been allowed to expect.  We don't just lose privileges, but what we thought were rights.

And that shit can mess you up.

So we're presented with a choice:  We're either going to be happy someday or we're not.  It's the same choice that everyone in life has to make, but now the stakes are so much higher.  The lucky sons of bitches on the other side of that glass wall CAN make that choice, and it will probably make life a lot easier for them, but there's also a pretty good chance of falling into happiness accidentally.  We no longer have that option.  We can no longer afford to be lazy when it comes to analyzing where each negative emotion we feel is coming from, what we want versus what we need... basically being self-aware as hell.

<--- THAT! o_O  

Again.  I make-a the jokes.  But I've figured out that happiness for those who have lost close to home is not something to be taken lightly.  Because it's SO EASY to just let go and be miserable.  Because you have SUCH a good reason!

You see it all the time.  A recovering alcoholic relapses, a marriage falls apart, a parent keeps their child's room a shrine and becomes locked in time, or something as simple as letting our worst selves come out and dwelling in our unlucky break.  We have such a strong urge to self destruct.  It's like we're waiting for a reason.  Maybe it's because these impulses were always there, maybe it's that whole "Life is random?  Well FUCK EVERYTHING" thing, maybe misery just enjoys company, or maybe it's because all those other big emotions I mentioned are making us feel guilty for still being here when someone we love can't be.  So we make sure that time is good and miserable.  I suppose the reasons depend on the type of loss, but it's all unacceptable, regardless!

Why on earth would anyone WANT to stay unhappy?  I suppose it's because like I said, being happy is now going to be an epic struggle.  It's going to be downright exhausting for a while.  I get it.  But it's a battle worth fighting.

But if you can't find a reason to do it for yourself, do it for the ones who love you.

For those that have suffered a loss through physical/emotional trauma... Don't forget that the people closest to you have also lost something too.  It's not as bad as what you've lost, but it's still something huge.  The people who love you - spouses, parents, children, even friends - imagined a life entwined with yours.  That person you were and that life you would have helped shape has also been suddenly snatched away from THEM too.  And chances are, they aren't even going to let themselves feel it since your loss is so much worse by comparison.  If you can't fight for your happiness yourself, do it for them.  Better yet, do it WITH them.

These statements can also be applies to those who have suffered a loss through death, but there's yet another player to consider for this type of loss. I've said this over and over: How would Jenna or whoever you lost feel if they knew that not being able to be with you ruined the rest of your life?  Awful.  That's how.  That's like punishing them for dying.  Not to mention it's spitting in their face by wasting the time you're lucky enough to still have.  I'm not saying you have to be happy over night.  I don't know if I'll ever have the peace I once did, but dammit, I'm going to fight for it anyway.  I HAVE TO.

Okay, Okay!  Damn! What's Your Point?

Yeah I know.  I got a little intense and lecture-y.  But let's reflect on what I think is the most important statement in this rant: We're presented with a choice:  We're either going to be happy someday or we're not. 

A CHOICE.  The whole point of the beginning of this post (which feels like another lifetime ago doesn't it?) was that life is random.  You can't control what misfortunes may befall you.  You can only affect your odds.  But the good things...  Now that's all about perspective.  It's about not only recognizing, but also accepting the moments where everything is okay.  And basking in those moments as long as we can.  That's something we can actually seek out.  That's something we actually DO control - At least to some degree.  And frankly, after these last couple months, I'll take what I can get.

My cousins are already on the right path I think.  Tony and his wife got a kitty.  Beth and Eric are still working hard at physical therapy, and the last I heard, Eric is regaining some sensation in his legs!    But that's the Roark family for you (and Jenna was no different).  We keep pushing forward.

We choose happiness.

Amen.

The Jenna Feast

It's been a while since I've posted. There have been some family things that have scattered my thoughts a bit (I will be writing about them in my next post) and on a more positive note, I finally have a job! It's childcare - which is totally easy for me - and pays well, which is exactly what I need right now. Unfortunately, the job takes a lot out of me and writing each blog post can be a bit of an endeavor for me. It's made me realize that I really need to just take a day every week, get up early, and just type. So that's what I'm doing!

This post has been one of my favorites! Thank you so much to everyone who participated. It made such wonderful use of our Facebook Page! Click the link and like us if you haven't already so you can stay in touch!

SO... Everyone who knew Jenna knew that she LOVED food. I'm quite sure this attribute was genetic. The only person who loves food more than Jenna is my dad.  They would both get visibly excited and/or cranky when it came to meal time.  Food was serious business.

So I've arranged a list of all the foods she loved and some great stories about her eating habits.  As you can see, I've scattered quotes throughout this list.  If you have something to add about a specific food, go ahead and message me and I'll put it in right away!

My plan is to eventually use this list to plan a REAL feast and document the experience. Maybe even take some of the things she loved and find recipes that give them a bit of a twist.  I encourage you all to do the same.  She had excellent taste.

So here's the most important element in your Jenna Feast... The list:

The Foods Jenna Loved

Eating Out

• SUBWAY - Turkey on wheat with lettuce, mayo, American cheese, and jalapenos ("Specifically requesting you make sure they put more than like 5 on it if you were picking it up for her" - Lauren Krauth)

"She ate foot-long subs (breakfast/lunch) for a week straight this year because she didn't want to go grocery shopping."
- Heidi Anderson

• CHILI'S - Molten Chocolate Cake 
• DAIRY QUEEN – Blizzards, Ice Cream Cake 
• TACO BELL – Cheesy gordita crunch, cheese roll-up, soft shell taco, add sour cream 

"First week of college, Jenna and I went to taco bell. After we ordered Jenna told me to get out of the car and hide behind the corner. She said 'when the lady hands my food out, run by and steal the food and keep running' I was like, Jen wtf?? And she said 'no trust me, we'll get a whole nother order for free and I'll pick you up down the street' Sure enough... It worked." - Paige Mosier

"T-Bell at all hours of the day" 

- Mark Wickstrom

• BURGER KING – Chicken fries 

• SUSHI MURAMOTO – Asparagus rolls and edamame - Always a go-to choice with the family or with Samantha Bakke and Laura Phelan
• NOODLES AND CO. – Pad Thai no sprouts or carrot), Pot Stickers 
• MCDONALD'S - McChicken with cheese, Hash Browns, Egg McMuffin 

We once decided to take a detour one morning and make ourselves late for school because Jenna had a SERIOUS craving for hash browns and I had a homework assignment I didn't want to turn in anyway.  We forged a note and made it to second mod.  And by forged I mean we got lucky and found out that our first mod classes were cancelled anyway so no harm done!  Because we can't break rules even when we try! 0:D

• IMPERIAL GARDEN/ASIA EXPRESS – Chicken Fried Rice 

• BUFFALO WILD WINGS – 6 Asian Zing, 6 Mango Habanero with 3 Ranch Cups 
• CHEDD'S – Grilled cheese with cheddar cheese, pepperoni, and ranch
• ERBS AND GERBS

"She would stuff it in her face and it would end up all her over!!" - Carrie Dercks

(Side Note: For those of you who do not get the joke in this picture, CLICK HERE)

• SMOTHERELLA STICKS – Pasta with Garlic Butter and lots of Parmesan
• MILIO'S
• WENDY'S - Chocolate Frosties

"I was in the car though when Dirk, Jenna, and I first started hanging out and after a movie one night we went to Wendy's by West Town and all got chocolate frosties. I was sitting shot gun and Dirk was in the back. Jenna made us promise that we weren't going to spill in her car because it was her classic jeep and she had just cleaned it out. Naturally, Dirk spilled his frosty all over the middle console and it leaked down under the seats...sticky!" - Jack Cullen

• COLD STONE
• GLASS NICKEL PIZZA

"In middle school we'd be starving and Jenna always wanted to order glass nickel pizza but we didn't have money, so we'd spend an hour scouring the house and coat pockets and couches scrapping up change to order a pizza. We always succeeded." - Kayla (Eichorst) Shrago

"The funniest part of us ordering glass nickel at every sleepover at your pebble beach house was that she would make me go around the house with her and look for miscellaneous money - including in coat pockets in every coat in your house, the laundry dryer, etc." - Sarah Keller


Breakfast

• OMELETS – Cheese, Ham, Green Peppers, Onions (A post-ROTC PT favorite)
• FRUITY/COCOA PEBBLES 
• WAFFLE CRISP 

At one point in time, when Jenna was younger, she lived off of cereal. Perhaps that's why she missed her growth spurt. Who knows. But she went through a Pebbles phase and a Waffle Crisp phase. That is all I remember her eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

• REESE'S PUFFS 
• POPTARTS 

Lunch/Dinner: 

• EASY MAC - This was a STAPLE of Jenna's dieat.

• STOUFFER'S MAC AND CHEESE
• SPAGHETTI-O'S AND GRILLED CHEESE - Courtesy of my Dad:)
• FROZEN MEALS

"I always got a kick out of her telling us she was going grocery shopping and would come home with 2 bags of frozen food from the gas station." - Lauren Batcher

• CALAMARI 
• QUESADILLAS
• GRANDMA'S MASHED POTATOES AND CORN

Grandma had a special recipe for her corn that she only brought out on holidays.  Jenna would always try to smuggle some home with her.

• FROZEN PIZZA WITH RANCH DRESSING
• CAESAR SALAD
• PASTA – Spaghetti and Fettuccine Alfredo 

Fettuccine Alfredo was always Jenna's go-to dish if she wasn't sure what she liked in a restaurant.  When she was relatively young and we went on our Disney Cruise, she would special order it from the kitchen almost every night because she never wanted any of the evening's specials.

"Of course I fixed spaghetti whenever Jenna wanted a special meal. I never followed a recipe but basically it was a jar of spaghetti sauce, can of tomato sauce, small can of tomato paste, hamburger, throw in some oregano, chili powder, sugar, bay leaf, basil, garlic. She had to have Kraft powdered parmesan, not the grated that I liked. Served with cheese bread and a glass of milk." - Mom

Dessert

• COOKIE DOUGH 
• OREOS WITH PEANUT BUTTER
• BROWNIES 
• MAMBAS 
• SNICKER DOODLES
• FUNNEL CAKE
• GODIVA
• DRUMSTICKS 
• RIESEN CHOCOLATES
• COOKIE ICE CREAM SANDWICHES
• PHISH FOOD AND MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM

When we were little, Jenna and I used to melt our mint chocolate chip ice cream then stir it into soup.  We would then pretend it was "our medicine" that we had to take before bed.  At first we would pretend that we didn't want it and then we'd take it with a look on our face suggesting that we were prepared for something gross.  When we "realized" our medicine tasted like ice cream however, we would look at each other with wide eyes, lift up our hair on either side like we had pigtails that were flying up or something, and squeak "MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmm!!!"

Snacks

Posted to Jenna's wall by Brynn Caslavka

• FRITO CHIP DIP
• QUESO DIP
• SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP
• ORIGINAL RUFFLES
• BAGELS WITH CREAM CHEESE
• VELVEETA
• SLICES OF GREEN PEPPERS DIPPED IN RANCH
• NACHO DORITOS
• GRANDMA'S MINI SANDWICH CREMES  - These and the nachos were her library food of choice.

Drinks


"Whenever I'd come to Wisconsin, Jenna would begrudgingly take me to Starbucks to get a chai. She loved Victor Allen's and would insist that their chais were way better. She'd always take me though" - Amanda Sorensen

• CHAI 
• BLUE GATORADE
• VODKA CRANBERRY- The only hard alcoholic drink her acid reflux could handle...
• MILLER LITE - Keeping it classy
• HOT CHOCOLATE
• WATER

(Clearly Inferior)

"She drank A TON of water each day. Always out of her pink water bottle. And her pink water bottle had a blue mouth piece while a lot of the other pink water bottles like her had a clearish/grayish one. So, whenever she saw someone with that same pink water bottle as her, she would laugh and say, 'My water bottle is cooler than that one because mine has a blue mouth piece' lol."
- Dirk Van Rybroek








Miscellaneous

PLEASE add to these stories!  They are fantastic:)

"I was riding back to EC from Madison with Jenna and when we stopped for food she asked me where I wanted to go. I said I didn't care, whatever would he easiest for her to eat while driving and she informed me with such pride that she is a pro at eating literally any food while driving and it seriously didnt matter where we went. That girls talents are limitless." - Lauren Krauth

"When we were on spring break, we ate at Spinnakers (a bar/restaurant/club) one night and she was the only one who was still pretty trashed from the festivities earlier that day. She ordered a pulled pork sandwich. The waiter finally came with all of our food and set it down infront of everyone. Once he walked away, we looked around the table to make sure everyone was good to go, and I was sitting next to Jenna. As I looked to her, I realized she had already eaten the entire sandwich before any of us had even taken more than two bites. I caught her licking all of her fingers as they were covered in bbq sauce and the best part was that she sat for a few minutes seriously considering ordering another sandwich but the waiter didn't come back soon enough." - Melanie Laursen

"She loved Luden's cough drops (at least when she was little) cause they tasted like candy. She told me she would always ask your mom for some and then she would run away to her room and eat them right away then run back to your mom and say, "Mom can I have some more?" until the box was gone Then your mom would say they're all out.  I would always ask her, "What did you say to that?" and Jenna would respond in this whiny/baby voice "Moooooooom." For some reason I loved when she did that when she told me that story. I asked her to tell it all the time." - Dirk Van Rybroek

"There was that awful, horrendous looking fruitcake that Perry brought to Christmas one year... but we both ate some anyway. It was terrible." - Emily Bisbach

"One night after we were out Jenna and I got Buzzy's (a pizza place on water street) and took it to go but I couldn't really finish mine so I just threw the half-eaten slice away. The next morning after seeing it in the trash she yelled at me for throwing it away because she would have eaten it, then decided that it wasn't too contaminated and pulled it out of the trash can and ate it anyway." - Lauren Krauth  

(This is probably one of my favorite stories... Especially since I could imagine doing the same thing...)

"I mean the girl ate everything haha..." - Samantha Bakke

So there you have it.  The foods Jenna loved the most.  So now what do you do with it?  Like I said, my roommates and I plan to make our own feast.  We will be posting our experience in the near future.  I also  have a great idea that involves all of YOU! If anyone else out there decides to do a Jenna feast and sends me pictures of the experience (e-mail me at alroark16@gmail.com or post to the Facebook page), I will send you a prize.  I don't know what it will be yet, but I'll make sure it's moderately awesome and Jenna related.

It's so weird.  You know people so well but when it comes down to it, it's remarkable how much you missed out on.  Their statistics and everything.  I'm so grateful to all of the friends that helped me put this together.  That we have a community to piece together the things that made Jenna so special is really precious.  It means so much to me.  

Thank you again to everyone who participated.  I hope this made you smile.

Happy Birthday Dirk

Today I want to talk about probably one of the most significant people in Jenna's life: Dirk Van Rybroek.  It's his birthday today.

I need to say something before I go into anything else: I know Jenna and Dirk's relationship was... drama-filled.  To say the least.  As her sister, I was privy to pretty much everything that went down.  They were on and off since their senior year of high school and most of their issues were completely unsurprising in a relationship that started so young.  Stupid stupid things were said and done.  Through it all though, the love they had was something that never really leaves the system.  Although they were off again right before we lost her, they still talked constantly.  A part of me has a feeling that if they had been given some REAL time apart to have a chance to grow and gain perspective, they would have found their way back to each other.  But I know that even if they never ended up together, they would always be a part of each other's lives.  They wouldn't be able to help it.

So despite all the drama and whatever opinions I had as a sister before this whole thing happened, it doesn't matter anymore.  To me, he will always be the love of my sister's life.  So I love him too.

It's hard for me to describe Dirk and Jenna's relationship here because I only saw the tiniest fraction.  When they were at their best, they were attached at the hip and had the kind of intimacy that only the most annoying best friends have.  Inside jokes and constant silent communication.  I'm hoping that eventually Dirk will write a piece for the blog himself.  He's already been such a wonderful help to me writing this (with his weird photographic memory) and simply recovering from the tragedy itself.

Dirk and I always got along pretty well.  I seemed to be the only one in Jenna's family who didn't terrify him.  He had this bizarre fear of my parents (which is silly since they are some of the least intimidating people I know) and he seemed unable to speak above a mumble around them for the longest time.  Though after a while, I'm quite sure he just did it to bug my sister.  That seemed to be the purpose behind a majority of his behaviors.  NOBODY trolled Jenna like Dirk did (though my dad was a close second).

Looking back, I think he and I had a connection and a comfort level when Jenna was alive for the same reason we've been drawn to each other now that she's gone: Even though our relationships with Jenna were completely different than each other's, nobody else had the same kind of relationship with her as we did.  And because of that, even though Dirk and I have lost completely different things, nobody else has lost the same thing that we have.  Does that make sense?  We both knew and loved Jenna in a way that was completely unique.  Maybe that's the reason why we feel like talking to each other is the closest we ever get to someone who really understands.

But the more I think about it, although this crucial understanding we share allows us to talk about our struggles and our pain, I think the thing that keeps drawing us back to each other is the conversations about Jenna when she was still with us.  A lot of conversations I have with other people are about the fact that she's not here anymore or what I'm going through right now.  And as I said, Dirk and I talk about that a lot too, but most of the time, we just reminisce.  We tell each other things we haven't heard, retell stories we already know (from different perspectives), reenact her facial expressions, and it feels really good.  Dirk and I started doing this early and often.  And now that I've realized it, I'm urging anyone reading this - whether you've lost someone close to you or are wondering how to comfort someone who has lost - to make this the habit.  Yeah, it's good to talk about the process and what you/someone else is going through, but get comfortable sharing positive stories from when you WERE fortunate enough to have them.  You'd be surprised how easy it is to forget to do that, especially during these depression phases.  You be surprised how, even when you don't forget, how hesitant some people feel to do so.  This idea might seem like you're reminding yourself what of you've lost.  It might seem like it would make it worse in theory, but I promise you, it doesn't.  In fact, I think I'm right in saying that often when Dirk and I are feeling our worst, remembering a specific story that makes us smile is the only thing that can pull us out of it.

For example.

Am I right, Dirk?  Alright so it's your birthday...

A Birthday Letter to Dirk

Dear Dirka,

I would like to tell you that I am glad. I'm glad that you've found that you can really talk to me. It's incredibly gratifying that I've been able to offer you some comfort. You meant so much to Jenna and the idea that I can help you through this feels like one of the biggest services I could do her. Letting me be there for you has helped me so much too. Also, thank you for being brave enough to tell me about how you found Jenna. I'm so glad you found the strength to share. It couldn't have been easy, but it gave me the last pieces I needed to figure out what actually happened. That peace of mind is invaluable. I'm also glad for all the time you spent with Jenna and your crazy detail-oriented steel trap of a memory. I enjoy the brief exchanges of nostalgia, the long conversations we have in person, and the random thoughts we wish we could share with her. Finally, thank you for coming down to visit me. Both times. I get so much out of it.  I hope you do too.  Please come down again soon.

QUICK ASIDE! 

So for those of you who are NOT Dirk and reading along, I have a story I know you'll enjoy as much as we did.  After Wednesday karaoke the first night Dirk came down to visit (I managed to convince Dirk to sing a stirring rendition of Tupac's "California Love"), we were sitting in Steak n Shake reminiscing.  When our order came, Dirk opened his burger, picked off the pickles and chuckled.  It reminded him that whenever he and Jenna went to McDonald's, she would always order a McChicken with cheese, and he would always order a Big Mac and take off the pickles.  Now Jenna, being the attentive and observant girlfriend she was, noticed this habit and began asking for Dirk's Big Mac with no pickles when she ordered.  Thoughtful, right?  Well apparently Dirk preferred chaos (some men just want to watch the world burn, etc).  Every time Jenna would ask for no pickles, Dirk would yell over her out the window "NO I WANT PICKLES!!!"  Jenna would tell the cashier to ignore him, but Dirk would continue protesting.  This doubtlessly left a very confused cashier.  It became a running joke to bet on whether or not they would end up giving him pickles.  If there were no pickles, great!  Dirk didn't want them in the first place.  If there were pickles on the burger, great!  That gave him the chance to pick them off and throw them at Jenna.  It was really a win win. 

 (Dirk and Jenna, respectively) 

This story cracked me up.  I immediately got a clear visual of her frustrated tone, so similar to my own, rolling her eyes and calling Dirk an asshole.  That's when I got the idea to take the pickles outside after we were finished, and throw them into the night.  So we did. 

BACK TO THE HEARTFELT STUFF...

Certain things and people make me feel closer to my sister than others. You are one of them. In fact, being around you is the closest I get to the same kind of vibe I got from my sister. It's probably because you're so similar, but I also think it's because you hold so much of her. We both do. And I think having such easy access to parts of her we aren't totally familiar with or used to, even after she's gone, is a very comforting thing. It's the biggest reason why I've been so adamant about getting as many of Jenna's friends involved in this blog as possible. Thank you for being so involved and so accessible. I look forward to put our fantastic plans for future posts into action:)

I know that the idea of falling in love and living happily ever after with anyone else is completely unimaginable right now, and I know we've already talked about this, but I also know just how much she wants you to be happy and live your life. And this topic is a crucial part of it. So here some of the things we discussed in a place you can always look at them: 1) Let your love for Jenna be your rock, not your anchor. Rocks are something you can pick up and carry with you, remember? It should be something that you can always rely on to hold you steady, but never something that holds you back. 2) When you are ready to love again, don't feel guilty. We keep saying it over and over, but you have to remind yourself that she wants you to be happy. Listen to her and let her help you find someone she would approve of. Speaking from experience, using whether or not Jenna would approve as a determining factor in a relationship ended up serving me very well. You may also let her help you come up with creative nicknames for those who end up not being worth your time like she did for me. You know what I'm talking about.  3) Never expect anyone to compete with her. This will always be something completely different. It should never be compared to whatever happiness you find in the future. 4) Let the successes and even more importantly, the mistakes you made with Jenna make you the best and most loving man a woman could ever hope for. If it gets hard, remember to ask yourself: What kind of legacy do you want her to leave behind?

Okay. Enough lectures. Happy birthday Dirk. Really. Mine was difficult and yours will be too, but keep finding reasons to be happy. And keep pushing forward.  I'll be right there with you.

I'll see you soon.
Lots of love,
- Amanda

Don't Stop Believin'
(Jenna would have been proud)